Oct 16, 2003 22:56
21 yrs ago
German term

a bit of an unusual question...pls read

German to English Marketing
Hi all,

this may be a bit of an "unusual" request, but I really need to revise myself and get some outside feedback.

So this is a deal, below I provide the source text and two possible translations, I'd really appreciate if you folks could just let me know which one of the two you would prefer. Now don't worry, I am not planning on rubbing this under somebody's nose, proof somebody wrong, or anything alike. I am just asking myself these days if I am still in touch with the world beyond my monitor enough to produce a good style, so, here it is:

Source:
Klein, platzsparend und schön anzusehen ist der XXX TFT 15 im edlen Alu-Design. Mit einem Kontrastverhältnis von 400:1 und einer Reaktionszeit von 16 Millisekunden verwöhnt dieses schmale Leichtgewicht nicht nur Ihre Augen - die eingebauten Lautsprecher sorgen gleichzeitig für gute Unterhaltung. Wer es futuristisch mag, montiert den XXX TFT einfach und bequem an der Wand.

Translation option 1:
Small, space saving, and an exclusive aluminium design - the XXX TFT 15.
At a contrast ratio of 400:1 and only 16 milliseconds reaction delay time this slim
lightweight does not only please your eyes - the integrated speakers will also adulate
your ears! And those who like it futuristic simply mount it to their walls.

Translation option 2:
Small, space saving, and an exclusive aluminium design - the XXX TFT 15. At a contrast ratio of 400:1 and only 16 milliseconds reaction delay time this slim lightweight device is not only pleasing to the beholder but the integrated speakers will entertain you! If your taste is futuristic, simply mount it on the walls.

Again, I am not trying to proof someone wrong or anything, I am merely trying to figure out if my style needs revision.

Thank you all in advance
T.

Discussion

Non-ProZ.com Oct 16, 2003:
thanks for the feedback so far, I am interested where this is going...

Proposed translations

+1
5 mins
Selected

The second

Neither one is that great. "Beholder" is archaic and "the speakers will entertain you!" sounds ridiculous, but "adulate your ears" is an outright mistake.

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Note added at 2003-10-17 01:52:06 (GMT)
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With its elegant aluminum design, the XXX TFT 15 is small, compact and beautiful. But this featherweight is not only a delight for the eyes. With its 400:1 contrast ratio and 16-ms reaction time, the integrated speaker system will keep you entertained, as well. And for those who are ahead of their time, the XXX TFT can be wall-mounted simply and easily. (But Deborah\'s suggestion is perfect for the last sentence).
Peer comment(s):

agree CathyFS
2 mins
Something went wrong...
4 KudoZ points awarded for this answer. Comment: "Thank you all very, very much! This one goes to William for being brutally honest! Now I know they both sound crap! I agree though that the "entertain you!" sounded ridiculous and beholder? Oh well. Anyway, one of those nights after two weeks straight 17hr work days. Guess my brain's all tangled up and mushy and.... Thank you all very much, especially Kim, ALWAYS finding the polite way to say it ;-) "
9 mins

I'd vote for #1

keep it simple.
But I would "mount them on the wall"
Something went wrong...
+3
12 mins

I would do this for version 2

replace beholder with eyes and continue with the integrated speakers will enchant your ears then etc

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Note added at 2003-10-16 23:10:38 (GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

or use delight instead of enchant
Peer comment(s):

agree Deborah Shannon
16 mins
thank you for your support
agree Ellen Zittinger
31 mins
thank you for your support
agree Joy Christensen
1 hr
Something went wrong...
16 mins

overall, prefer #2

However, i would substitute 'user' for 'beholder' and end with '...can simply be mounted on the wall'.
Something went wrong...
+4
24 mins

Option 3 for consideration

The XXX TFT 15 is small, saves space and is a delight to look at in its classy aluminium design. With a contrast ratio of 400:1 and a response time of only 16 milliseconds, not only is this slim lightweight device easy on the eyes but the integrated speakers will entertain you at the same time! If your taste is futuristic, simply mount it on the walls.
Peer comment(s):

agree Renate FitzRoy : ...speakers pamper your ears. For a more futuristic look...
16 mins
agree Robert Kleemaier
30 mins
agree Will Matter : go, Kim!
43 mins
agree Joy Christensen : yes, and I like Renate's suggestion too
1 hr
Something went wrong...
+3
26 mins

2, tweaked slightly

Commenting more as a reader of this kind of text, as it's not really my favourite type of thing to translate.

For the last sentence, "If your taste is futuristic," I'd prefer a wording that didn't include 'if' so I'd turn it around along the lines of "Easily wall-mounted for the ultimate in futuristic style"
Peer comment(s):

agree Will Matter : also good...
41 mins
agree Joy Christensen : Yes
1 hr
agree William Stein : I like your last sentence, but the idea that "wall-mounting" is so futuristic is absurd.
2 hrs
Something went wrong...
7 hrs

little to add but I might just use "compact" instead of space-saving

it sounds more English and less of a translation
Something went wrong...
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